Since I've been born, I've been seeking people's approval. I know exactly how this started. My mom would hold a grudge against me, and even as a child, I would practically beg for her love back. She could do this for days, and I guess still does.
Anyway, I'm a huge screwup and am always hurting people's feelings. I almost always apologize when I realize that I've hurt someone. Lately, someone very close to me is kind of doing what my mom did. Accepting the apology, but then holding a grudge. Being cold and unresponsive, ignoring me essentially.
It struck me this morning, that the only person in my life who is ALWAYS on my side and never holds a grudge is my son. He's always telling me how I'm the best Mama in the world and how he will "never hate me". I'm always skeptical about this. How could he never hate me when others in my life, who are suppose to love me, act like they hate me sometimes? Why don't I trust this boy at his word?
Am I expecting too much from people? I know I love validations of my beliefs, but this is something I'm working on not caring about as much as I get older.
So, I'm making a vow today to make my apologies and MOVE ON. I'll do what I can but I can't control how the person I've wronged will respond. And I realize too, that this is their way of coping with hurt feelings. It doesn't mean they don't love me anymore. (Although the two major players in my life, have expressed to me that they will only take so much and then..............I'm out). So at what point will this happen? Will the shoe finally drop and they'll withdraw their love - once and for all?
I don't know. Time will tell.
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